read me rant!

mood

|

crappy

]

i really feel like im such a horrible lousy PA.

i cleared my offs without knowing that i’ve gotta send out my offline for one of my eps today.

):

now someone else has to cover my ass for me.

im feeling so dumb and lousy about myself.

im constantly making mistakes on and off shoot.

ive never once not made a mistake in my time of being a PA.

i guess im just not cut out for this.

sober.

and i don’t know

this could break my heart or save me

nothing’s real

until you let go completely

so here i go with all my thoughts

i’ve been saving

so here i go with all my fears

weighing on me

three months and i’m still sober

picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

but i know, it’s never really over

and i don’t know

i could crash and burn but maybe

at the end of this road

i might catch a glimpse of me

so i won’t worry about my timing

i wanna get it right

no comparing, second guessing

no, not this time

three months and i’m still breathing

been a long road since those hands

i left my tears in but i know

it’s never really over, no, wake up

three months and i’m still standing here

three months and i’m getting better, yea

three months and i still am

three months and it’s still harder now

three months i’ve been living here without you now

three months, yea, three months

three months and i’m still breathing

three months and i still remember it

three months and i wake up

three months and i’m still sober

picked all my weeds and kept the flowers

[

mood

|

happy

]

i love you God!

thank you for making me so blessed and happy!

heee!!

Read the rest of this entry »

its funny how we don’t seem to treasure whats most important in our lives, which is really, life itself.

because without this ‘life’ of ours, we won’t ever get to meet our loved ones and experience the happiest moments you get from living this life of yours.

i was on my way home from church today and when i alighted at my bus stop, there was this huge crowd surrounding the area almost directly behind the bus stop and there was this huge police “van” (which back door was opened so i saw four silver “boxes”/spaces - those you see in a morgue, of which, one was open) and a police car. The area was sealed off with the blue & white “police” tape-ish thing to passer-bys. so being the typical kaypo singaporean, i turned my head to the direction as i walked towards my block and took little peeks through the gaps in between people (and no, im not kaypo to the ultimate whereby i just simply stop and stare and block the passage way). What i saw was basically this police officer taking off the blue “police tent” and folding it up and what was inside the tent that he had just removed, was a body wrapped up in white plastic bag. The only distinctive feature i saw of that limp, lifeless rag-doll-like body was really his/her black crocs (simply so ugly that its immediately recognizable. Note to people who want or are thinking of committing crimes, DONT, and i strongly emphasize, DONT. ever. wear. crocs. people WILL recognize you. if not immediately, then almost immediately.) okay on with my story.

so i saw i think one or two people crying beside the body. at that point of time, i was thinking that:

(a) the person probably died of a heart attack at the coffee shop

or

(b) the person jumped off the building

But i thought to myself again. ‘no, it cant be (b) because then, there’d be a pool of blood’. So anyhow, i just shrugged the idea off my mind. But the moment i got home, i “declared” the news to sam, my younger sister, who somehow, without my knowledge heard what happened from lydia, her friend who came over for tuition. so anyway, according to lydia, the person jumped off the building and there was an ambulance earlier on. and there was blood but perhaps they had cleaned it up by now. moreover, there were two people crying around the body. yup. end of story.

its quite sad that people in general just dont see the fragility of life. they treat life like it was theirs to begin with. but this is a gift God bestowed. not something that God owed them or something that He was obliged to do. and i realised how when people (like myself for example) feel stressed, we’d say things without thinking. something like “i’d rather die than do this” or “i feel like im dying” or “just kill me now”. although its really a minor thing to say, its as if we couldnt care less about living. we couldnt be bothered about this gift of life. i admit, im totally guilty of talking without thinking. but when i chance upon death among others, i somehow just begin reflecting on life. i mean, isnt it odd how those who want to keep their lives die tragically in natural disasters or accidents etc but those who want to give up on living somehow dont die in such accidents/disasters. its like the more you want something, the more you dont get it.

sometimes i also kinda pity those who hadnt once had an encounter with God in their lives or hadnt yet chanced upon God in their lives but yet have been taken away from the face of this earth. its kinda sad really. i remember being an extremely bitter person and life was kinda meaningless when i was young. but after salvation, my walk with God really changed my life (though i cant say that much about it cos it didn’t happen such a long time ago) - i started having a zeal for everything that i did because i wanted so much to do great things for Jesus. in short, i was completely on fire for God. everything i was doing or excelled in, i would be so proud of myself because i felt God giving me a pat on my back and saying “well done”. something in parallel to this, in case you’re not Christian, would be striving to do your best and working hard at it to make someone else, like your parents or whomever, proud of you. somehow, just them being able to smile and be proud of being your _____, would bring warmth to your heart and you’d feel so uber good to have been able to make others proud of you. i cant really describe that feeling though.. you’ve got to experience it to be able to comprehend what im saying really.

i truly am glad that i was fortunate enough to have been saved. and i thank the heavens for xing because without her, i wouldn’t have been able to seek the face of God. moreover, i’ve been so very blessed ever since and great things just keep happening to me really. im really fortunate to have great friends and leaders like dorothea and jocc around me because they’re really the ones who actually take the extra step even if they have to compromise something else (like money or sleep or rest or going out with friends, etc) to lend their help to me regardless of the situation. and im sure they’ve been doing this for everyone else around them, which is really great because they are really being good and faithful servants of God and that inspires me to be just as faithful and good a servant as they are. serving God gives me a sense of accomplishment for Him and it just gives off this really good good feeling to know that im not a Christian in name but rather, im doing things for Him and the glory of His name. somehow, the more i serve, the more blessed i am. really. recently especially. ive had so many miracles happen to me that its become too long a story to elaborate on.

anyhow, i hope im not scaring anyone with this ‘holy’ talk of mine. i know not everyone’s open to this and trust me, i don’t have any intentions of forcing my religion onto anybody. if its not time, its not time. on top of that, it also depends and differs among each individual. if you havent been called, you havent been called, its as simple as that. its just like rice harvesting. there’s no point in rushing to harvest the rice because it takes time and you cant force or rush things that arent and/or werent meant to be. SO, RELAAAAAX. (:

there’s this saying that as you hang out more with a certain type of people, you’ll start to look like this certain type, and behave in the same way as them, perhaps even having the same sort of mindsets and opinions about stuff.

hanging around you, i’ve realised that it’s either ive grown, or i’ve become another you, or rather, i’ve become very much similar to you.

Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone, Will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes
Will I be the one that’s by your side?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

Will I take tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that’s there to hold?

somehow, though as cliche as it may sound, even though the questions are really song lyrics, i can’t help but wonder if:

(a) i’ve matured from the “teenybopper” who’s raging hormones makes her think the ideal love is the way songs sing it or movies show it and that if i fail to obtain this certain “ideal relationship” based on balance and lotsa love immersing from both parties, the opposite party isn’t “THE ONE”

(b) i’ve come to be like you and feel “naaaaah. i’m still waaay too young for all that commitment and stuff and now’s the best time for me to let down my hair and have the wildest time possible in my life, hence i’d rather not brood about it. i’ll just hang around or stay single till i’m old enough to commit”

but somehow, i’ve always felt that i dont want to waste my time on someone whom i feel i may not have a future with.

am i sounding a gazillion years older than i actually am or what man?!

but seriously man, i’ve always felt that people who dated around were simply just wasting their time and life away if they headed straight into the relationship knowing that they were just fooling around and keeping in mind (oh what irony!) that this other person definitely isn’t a possible candidate somwhere in their really bleak-looking future. i still feel this way by the way.

i dont get why people crash head first in to relationships when they havent yet stopped to ponder if this person is gonna be a part of their life in the future.. its really odd dont you think? (or are you one of those who don’t think? like perhaps, one of those i happen to be bitching about in this entry? okay, you are so not reading this. you are not. this is just your imagination. you are hallucinating from the over-dosage of pizzas and whatnot you had the night before. this is not what you think it is. you are not even thinking. abracadabra.)

okay what the heck. what a waste of time. let me just go back to my damn monthly log. go sonia. cmon you can do it. just week twelve’s log and ‘my learning experiences in the company’ to go! yay yay!

okaaaay. not working. oh man. this sounds like a typical monologue in the office when i go slightly berserk and kuku in the head and start rambling on to myself and the other interns beside me start peering over trying their hardest not to make the slightest movement in order not to ‘antagonize’ me any further and mumbling “okaaaaaaay. there she goes again. -shifts uncomfortably and rolls chairs (note: not just one other intern) to the left a.k.a AWAY from me slowly-” and then i sense their movement and turn around abruptly and there they are, quickly stumbling to pretend they weren’t doing anything but their work all this while. -.-” and i’ll turn back and start rambling on and on again and they’ll start “whispering” amongst themselves about my crazy stints.

okay whatever. rarr.

after service today, i cabbed down to my aunt’s place to play wii and eat sushi cos my cousin organised a make-your-own-sushi sushi party and my aunt invited us over to play wii.

its soooooooo damn fun!! now i wanna get a wii too! wheeeeeeee!

amongst all the games i played, rabbids rocked the most! like totally rocked man!! they’re sooo uber cute! -squeals-

check them out:

Rabbids trying to infiltrate the Games Convention in Leipzig

Rabbids’ Tour de France

Rabbids in Japan

Rabbids at The White House

goodness, its been a looong time since i last blogged and its mostly due to work and being too tired to blog after work or shoots and whatnot from driving, lwssom stuff and school stuff from like a sem ago (yeah i know, like “gee dude?! can we wrap it up already?!”).

anyhow, i’ve officially completed the half-mark for my internship which means i’ve got another 10 weeks to go before i get a H O L I D A Y!

but then again, work isn’t exactly becoming a breeze cos the work’s piling up like bees to honey, which is good because i get more exposure to the industry, yet not so good cos i lose my ‘life’ and sleep.

but oh well, i’m pretty glad to actually be bored at home and being able to sleeeeeep in like there’s no tmr! (okay but i’ve got shoot tmr so that doesnt exactly count. and i WAS supposed to be on shoot but there were some blahblahblahs which shall not be discussed on my blog). and that kinda peeves me off cos i cancelled my driving lesson cos of the shoot and now i’m stuck with nothing. ugh.

other than that, my day’s pretty free except for the fact that i’ll be meeting the boy tonight for dinner and indiana jones! woohoo! i hope it rocks my socks off cos i really thought the first and third rocked. (PLUS, i love the mint crisp chocolate M&Ms created in conjunction with this movie! (:  )

oookay enough talk. check out some pics we took from sherry’s laptop in the office when we were “bored”:

sonia/yongxin/sherry

and our shrek-green pockey biscuits that are aweeesome

sonia/alicia/sherry/phoebe’s shoulder

yongxin/alicia/phoebe/sonia/sherry/pornsak’s hand

mrs porn yongsak holding her husband, pornsak’s hand (aww.. arent they a sweet couple?)

pheebs doesnt have sharp elf-ish ears to hear so sometimes we need to work a little harder to talk to her

oh maaaan!!

i was so excitedly awaiting my arrival of the birthday present that i got myself this year and the moment i got home, there it was, sitting prettily on the table in my living room..

my new toy is sooooooo sexy!

and just in case you were wondering what this new toy is:

its seriously so sexy and shiny that i cant bear to use it till i get myself a leather case for it. i’ve been looking for a white soft leather casing but to no avail. ):

i wonder when ill be able to bring my baby out! wheeeeee~

-four more days to the weekend before i can shop for my leather case!-

its awfully weird.

in a blink of an eye, ive suddenly ‘hit’ the big 2-0.

somehow, ive always seen myself looking forward to getting older as i was a kid but geez man, im so not used to telling people im 20. its like the you’re on your way to some place you cant stand and driving along the road, you see a ‘20km to go’ sign and you begin dreading it as you get closer and closer to the place you dont want to be. same for this… its so scary its freaky.

but anyhow, this is definitely my best birthday EVERRR.

i love you all man! seriously!

i just want to give a few shoutouts:

baby >> THANKS for EVERYTHING beee! from the “crabs” to the concert to the ’surprise’ cake and the present! thanks for planning so much! ((: and dont worry, the concert kicked ass! (: loveyoumanymanymanyyy! heh.

PPPPP >> omg your surprise was the surprise that seriously blew me away the most man!! thanks for planning everything for me! it was really really really SWEEEEEET! was so super touched! still am! i love you all supersuper.

gp/brown eyes/colin/yx/siewsiew/you guys know who you are >> what the… dont ever do that again man! freaked me and everyone around us out! suddenly from nowhere i get some people shouting my name and then singing me a birthday song so loudly. ohmygeeeeeeeeez! paiseh until…….. -hides face in mud- BUT THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE SURPRISE, CAKE and PRESENT!! miss y’all man! please change the day of meeting up to anyday but friday leh!!!! cant wait to see you all and talk like crazy again!!

N237 >> thanks for taking the time and trouble to go get the present and planning lunch! i love the shirt maaaaan! lets all continue shining for Jesus!! (: jocc and doro ahh… cant believe you actually were spies for xing!! i still cant believe i fell for it…. -shakes head- and i cant believe how shihui actually blended into the picture with her indian keropok… ohmgeeeeeeeeez..

serene/syl/sam/laurence/jason >> thanks for dinner! (:

yongxin/pheebs/sherry >> thanks ah. everytime i head to office i see a new wallpaper with my “bear” face in it. and thanks for your unopenable present and storyless-storybook! i hope you like the cake, party hats and the iguana blowing thing (sherry: just accept that you’re the “rest” in our orchestra laaaah)!! :X

EVERYBODY ELSE >> thanks so much for the smses and well-wishes!!

i must say, this birthday was full of mango cos out of all my presents i got, 3 was from mango!! :X